Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
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Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?