WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
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Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
I only say stupid things when I talk.
the noise i just made
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
My boss called in sick of me
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef