Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
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plums roundup
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.