WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
12. I think about this all the damn time
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.