@merseytart: Woman on CNN talking about London's streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it's Sunday. They're not cowering in fear, they're having a lie in.
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@iwearaonesie: When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie. She meant goals
@Dash_of_Crazy: My cat is rubbing herself all over me because she wants me to stroke her. It's like she's a drunk version of me.
@daemonic3: Ok I won't subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What's the difference?
@dril: i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime