“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
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WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
men are simple creatures
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.