Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
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I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.