Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
You Might Also Like
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
selfie game
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Did a trash talking tree write this?