[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
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#NeverForget
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
(Jupiter –
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
I gave up going to work for lent.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home