WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.