@LaziestCanine: Cashier: find everything okay? Me: yes [comes back 5 hours later] Me: [through the tears] i lied, i've been trying to find Kony since 2012

@Love_bug1016: “You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

@HTXBlonde: "It's funny how red, white, and blue represents freedom until it's your rear view mirror flashing behind you."

@chrisdowning: You're not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

@slimmy_shady: Drink this wine, it's the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it's the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, "Now hear me out"