@WhoToldYou2: "Be the change you want to see in the world." *Morphs into a kitten

@charliedelta7: I taught my son how to spell beer so he'd stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.

@koalaslament: I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

@Steven37366100: Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl? Me: Guess Friend: What’s its name? Me: Spork

@radtoria: SOMEONE LEFT THEIR DOGS IN THE CAR WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED UP -Ma'am, that's a pack of Ballpark All-Beef Franks. ITS 500 DEGREES IN THERE