@JB4Realz: INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness? ME: Well, for starters, I'm unemployed.

@HuffPostComedy: We like the way Dwight thinks

@ShutUpThatsWho: ME: ok i'm gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards JUDGE: no can do

@hazelmotes1: Today I learned that pouring water on someone who is sleeping under an electric blanket won't electrocute them. It will only make them angry

@LoveNLunchmeat: Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.