I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
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Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor鈥檚 cat
Do馃憦not馃憦remove馃憦the馃憦exquisite馃憦painting馃憦from馃憦my馃憦wall馃憦and馃憦open馃憦the馃憦hidden馃憦safe馃憦if馃憦you馃憦don’t馃憦want馃憦to馃憦find馃憦a馃憦smaller馃憦version馃憦of馃憦the馃憦same馃憦painting馃憦
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
馃幎Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty馃幎
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I鈥檓 not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Dreams are so frustrating. It鈥檚 my brain, but instead of dreaming I鈥檓 having sex with a supermodel, I鈥檓 at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Gym memberships are for people who don鈥檛 have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
馃き馃槀
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Haven鈥檛 seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don鈥檛 tell me which lamp falls over.