What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
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i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin