*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Husband of the year 😂
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
The days of good grammer has went
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.