Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
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Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.