Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
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Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Yup
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once