woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
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Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat