What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
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“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
No one :
Me when I swimming :
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes