To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
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12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …