“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
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Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Happy birthday to all the women
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably