“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
You Might Also Like
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!