Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
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“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.