Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
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Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
japanese corn
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Planet of the Apps.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Legend 🤣🤣
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?