@notenoughwine: Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you
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@Fat_Jalbert: [cop car] Buzzfeed Guy: It's okay I work for Buzzfeed Cop: You robbed 10 banks Buzzfeed Guy: You wouldn't believe how much I got from #6!
@jackmackenroth: I'm pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites' heroin addiction.
@Scdavis24: Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
@nicfit75: Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I've never worried so much about losing my thumb.