@notenoughwine: Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you
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@Adyaces: Just slammed my foot on the pedal trying to impress a girl. Turns out she'd seen a bin opened like that before.
@yenniwhite: "Don't play with your food," I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
@Brampersandon_: ME: when I was 12 I got the flu so bad I had to be in the hospital GUY WHO TRIES TO ONE-UP EVERY STORY: oh yeah? when I was 13 I died