@notenoughwine: Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you
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@Elizasoul80: Him: I wonder if this dealership is open. Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
@briancthayer: *buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers* Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
@imchriskelly: "What charities do you donate to?" "I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world."