Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
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Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkinâ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Wife: Itâs like we donât even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: Thatâs not my name
When ur friends with white people
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Iâve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what theyâve had to refuse to do for a customer
Donât worry, youâre not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
having a bad day today. đ can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him âwho you gonna call?â and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isnât getting one
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think weâre in the middle of a turf war.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Microsoft Developer: Weâll call it âExcel!â
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled âagainâ!
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this đ