@notenoughwine: Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you
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@notfaizzy: Me: hello, police? I think I'm living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body... Crap! She just came in. Cat: *meow*
@trevso_electric: I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.