@notenoughwine: Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you
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@Love_bug1016: Him: you watch too much Food Network Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote Him: its toast and jelly
@thezwickers3: In order to get my teenagers attention I shut off the WiFi router and wait for them in the room it's in.
@AmericanGent69: Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens. Her: Nice *4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
@LeftBlank___: She shouted "GET SOMETHING TO PUT ON BEE STINGS" I fetched her one of her bras. Now we're not talking. Apparently.