@notenoughwine: Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good, and we will slowly kill you
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@iwearaonesie: *SNAP* *wife screams* *walks over to me* *cups my face with her hands* *looks me in the eye* "why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?"
@dragnut: Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
@Shanehasabeard: "Your résumé says you've been to prison?" Me: Sorry, that's a mistake "So you haven't?" Me: I have, I just didn't mean to put it on there