Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
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Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.