Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
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You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?