Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
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Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
584.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.