@hero_ofthenight: Women are like Gremlins, get them wet and they get into all sorts of trouble.
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@MUMSIEesq: ME: There was an old woman— 4YO: How old? M: Old. —who lived in a shoe 4: What shoe? ME: Please hold all questions until the end on this one
@DanMentos: me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping? flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit me: oh thank god
@KalvinMacleod: MOM: finish your dinner SON: I can't eat anymore, I'm full MOM: hi full, I'm mom DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*