@Jinxy00: Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
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@Alex_LaVallee: Cop: license and registration please. Me: (gives cop both) Cop: you drinking tonight? Me: no. Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
@tedtheboi: Bae: Come over Me: Do you have food?? Bae: My parents aren't home Me: Are they coming back with food??
@smickable: My mom is having a hysterectomy. This is like the time I moved away to college and she tore down my childhood bedroom.
@NurseMurderer: I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.