Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
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I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?