Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
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I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Remember folks 😂
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.