@meganamram: Women are like snowflakes: they can't drive
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@FriedGoat: "Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?" Well, Katy, I'm thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that's a pretty apt simile
@_knuck_: *wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months* "Have you had the kid yet?" -No "Well, I'm level 77 on candy crush."
@NoahJWatkins: "Do you smell the updoc?", I say to my pet bunny. My bunny replies with silence. I know that someday he will say it and I am willing to wait
@OrvllShrednbchr: 10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven't gotten laid since. Well played, God.