@Brentweets: Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
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@SufficientCharm: TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT'S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
@abbycohenwl: [chameleon conference] Boss: Is... everyone here? *crickets* Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx Keith: You're welcome
@AaronFullerton: Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
@ghostkrogh: america: tremble at our nuclear might also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that's spooky