Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
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sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Any refunds available?…
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
inventing words: clothing
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.