@Brentweets: Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
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@Sickayduh: [Cruise ship] "HELP! THIS MAN HAD A HEART ATTACK" - I think I can help *frantically covers him in all the life vests* cmon do your stuff
@SteveSuckington: [camping] "Dad I'm afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me" -don't be silly. It'll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
@jonnysun: museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776 me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig