Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
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A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
shut up and take my money
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok