Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
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In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920