Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
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I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me too 😆
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?