@thenatewolf: Women are so confusing, one day they say they love hummus and then the next day they say it’s a bad birthday present.
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@MarfSalvador: [zoo] cop: what happened here? boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
@DowntimeDad: I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn't poop their pants.
@robyn_vo: Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
@pmclellan: So my drug dealer just died. I'm thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.