I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
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Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
This is painfully accurate 😅
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist