Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
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I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Matt Goss
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.