@xysist: Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam's ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
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@Mardigroan: Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn't improved since fourth grade.
@withanewname: Wife: "Bad day?" Me: "Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid." Wife: "Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold."
@realHamOnWry: In recent years the number of UFO sightings has dropped because of the smart phone. Their users never look up.
@platinum2000: "How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?" *I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.