Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
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It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
u spoke cat all this time??????
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes