@nghtfltguy: Women do not want to hear what you think..nnThey want to hear what they think..nnIn a deeper voice......
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@QwertyJones3: Doctor: It's been weeks since we restored your vision. Thoughts? "I can't believe that British guy from the Geico commercials is a lizard."
@caliluvgirl77: I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that's one less person I ever have to talk to again.
@moiragallaga: The fact that people use the wrong "your," "there," "it's" and "its" yet spell "Bieber" correctly just kills me.
@RoosterMustache: *pulls away from kissing my girlfriend's twin* TWIN: she'll never find out about us ME: thanks dude you're a trustworthy guy