If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Welcome
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag