“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
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Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Botany good plants lately?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.