@dumbbeezie: Women don't make good meteorologists because they're never wrong
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@preritpathak: *At a clothing store* Worker: Do you need any help sir? Me: *Mixes "No, I'm good" & "No, I'm just looking"* Me:"No, I'm just good looking"
@Mikecanrant: I can only handle so much of a screaming kid on a long car ride before I pull over, take them off the roof, and let them back in.
@Book_Krazy: [interview] HIM: What are your strengths? ME: Well, I can see dead people. HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies? ME: Grave digging
@Dirty_Naomi: I've decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings. Don't know what I will do on Tuesday though?