@dumbbeezie: Women don't make good meteorologists because they're never wrong
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@tastefactory: PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
@blondecalamity: My ex used to sing "Brown Eyed Girl" to me.... I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
@murrman5: I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
@MichaelTrying: Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.