I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
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Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Me trying to look natural in photos
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t