Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
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Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Noah was an idiot.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”