Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.