Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
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Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella