I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
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tis the season
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.