@mjkspeaks: Women hate it when you call them ma'am or sleep with their friends.
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@TheHyyyype: [philosophy class] PROFESSOR: u must question everything [later] ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
@jonnysun: maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
@JohnLyonTweets: -Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. -He has sex with fish? -He's dead. -I'm not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn't sound very safe.
@ItsAndyRyan: Doctor: "Why is my waiting room empty?" Judge: "I hauled everyone off to court" Doctor: "You're trying my patients"