@mjkspeaks: Women hate it when you call them ma'am or sleep with their friends.
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@ShrinkMedia: If I throw my son a baseball, he drops it. A football, he fumbles. But if I toss him a cell phone, my man has a sick one handed, no look.
@emceej: Don't forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
@InstaTrent: A vegan girl told me that, "If you eat beef, you're basically a velociraptor." In what world is that not totally awesome.