Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
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I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.