Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
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Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
felt that
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Support your local cemetery
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.