Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]